Victory List

Do you know what it took for me to get here?

right here, today, look and imagine

the total sum, piled, heaped here

next to me, what it took

It took all that I had

and some of what I would get

just to find out later

that I never had it to begin with

in essence, I had created something

from nothing, turned around

and gave the magic feather

to unsure pachyderms

it took holding on

to hope like a sad

deflated, disillusioned, life-raft

that let me drown, so long ago, icy waters,

I never let go, is what

should matter, that has

to account for

something

It took kicking rocks

between hard-spots

between the porn-mags

and feeling okay with myself, naked again

it took the late bus home

to be early to the grave

shifting, helping the vomit kids

chew their food, plant roots, and write resumes

it took more than one

gay men’s confessions

for me to stop worrying

what a real man is at heart

it took waking up

day after daydream

night after nightmare

insomnia after self-doubt

it took acceptance

that I am not the things

that I have done

but the things that I am doing

it took court dates

blind dates

parole hearings

and learning to listen

it took begging

for one more day

feeding myself

as if bribing tomorrows

it took falling on my knees

chipping teeth, staples in the head, silence,

hair-line fractions, restraining orders, death threats

terminal news, high-speed chases, and false positives

it took everything

all that I had

and I would give it all again,

twofold, to be here,

making lists of victories